Joke for the day

#1
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
#5
When Is Drunk TOO Drunk?


Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when
Suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'


Fred says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
Pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
Twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.


Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,
You're disgusting!'


Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says,
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only
Had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one
Too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said he's was berry
Sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'


His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'


'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'
 
#7
When Is Drunk TOO Drunk?


Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when
Suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'


Fred says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
Pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
Twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.


Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,
You're disgusting!'


Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says,
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only
Had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one
Too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said he's was berry
Sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'


His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'


'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'
somebody told that around a campfire recently hahaha
 
#10
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16.. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
 
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